A Quarrel To Rise Above

• BACKGROUND:
  
  Last week after my event, I was approached by an acquaintance in the community who had questions for me about what this surgery was going to do for me and why I was asking the community for help. Comments were made about my asking the community for support was abusive. She also mentioned that I already had a fundraiser 4 years ago when I lost my house and cat in a house fire. This was a difficult blow. I took it to heart. I received this email this morning from this woman who took the time to write me and I wanted to take the time to respond. I am posting it because its been a really intense experience for me. But also because there are a lot of views out there. And I want to respect and honor them all, even if I don't agree. But the only way we can try to understand each other better, even if its painful, is to communicate.
  
  FROM ANONYMOUS:
  
  I wanted to apologize for the way I talked to you last weekend or 2 ago now. I did have some questions about your use of a community fundraiser but would have been wise not to talk to you after drinking those brutal jello shots... that were bought to support you. It really came from a genuine place of wanting to know why a person who seems to have so much is having a fundraiser for something that some of my friends have almost taken their life for because they couldn't afford it. I apologize for bringing some of that onto you. It was not my intent to make you feel bad. I hope you know how fortunate you are to be a part of a community that loves and supports you no matter how many times you ask for it. I would like you to know that I wish you the best and hope your operation goes smoothly and it helps make you feel like more of the person that you are.
  
  
  

  MY VERBOSE RESPONSE: 

  While I really appreciate you reaching out to apologize, this email appears to be simply reiterating what you already told me last week (albeit – presumably sober this time). You are entitled to your feelings and views, and I will always respect our freedom to have varying stances.

  However, you don't really know me. This email and the views you expressed are full of assumptions about me. I am sorry your friends have struggled with their gender identities to the point of near suicide. And I really hope they are better now and have found what they need to be happy. The difference here is that you don't know me or what I have struggled with in regards to my gender identity and presentation my whole life. I don't make public my struggles and I surely won't share them here as this does not feel like a safe space. But it has been a challenge and a struggle for as long as I can remember. And I am not comparing or contrasting to your friends because I don't know them, just like you don't know me. And it’s futile to compare because we all have our own struggles and challenges.

  And you are entitled to feel that those going through this transition must have a blade to the wrist to be "allowed" to ask the community for assistance. Or must be without child. But I don't. And luckily, a majority of the community doesn't either.

  People ask for community support in a plethora of ways all the time. When someone gets married or has a bachelor/ette party or an engagement party or a baby shower or you name it...We as a community/ group of friends show up--both in financial ways as well as time and energy and HOPEFULLY (and most importantly) with love and support. We don't as a society, berate those people if they are what we on the outside view as well off or NOT down and out. We come together and celebrate and commemorate big changes and important times in peoples’ lives.

  And more importantly, if for whatever reason, you are not in a place in your life to support the event or you don't support the marriage or whatever it is, etc.., you just don't go to the event. However, I don't see a value in going to the event and then telling the person having the event how hard it was to be there, and pay money to them, and that they are abusing the community by throwing a party.

  And in my queer community, top surgery benefits have become this type of commemorative event. I have personally supported several of these events. Some of them for people I knew well and others for people I barely knew. But for me, it was a cause I believed in because I could empathize with this desire and understand the struggle to get this surgery paid for since society and insurance views it as an elective procedure.

  I would have been more than happy to have a real open conversation last week but your questions turned into judgments and I quickly felt unsafe. What was, one of the most special amazing nights in my life where I felt held and loved and supported, abruptly turned into an awful conversation that left me feeling really sad and terrible about myself and my decisions. I struggled with this fear and vulnerability about asking others for help for a long time. And you just nailed me right where it hurt most. I have worked really hard since last weekend to recover and be reminded of those that get me and know me and support me.

  I absolutely feel fortunate to be part of this community and if anything, it is last weeks conversation that reminded me of JUST how grateful I should be of those that do support me. And I only hope that I can continue to pay it forward ten-fold.

  I appreciate you explaining to me where you are coming from. I just felt that I should do the same.